Panache

When was the last time, you were genuinely heard by someone? When was the last time, you genuinely listened to someone? Yes, it goes both ways. The world of social media makes us drown in exposure and judgment. We are losing the art of listening.

But it is still and will always be the best way to make human connections in the best way possible. Dale Carnegie, the author of “How to Win Friends and Influence People”, agrees with that. Want to know how to improve that art in regular life? Read along.

What is Listening?

According to Kathleen Macfarren, who gave a Ted Talk on “The Art of Listening”, “Listening is seeing the world from someone else’s perspective but not necessarily agreeing with it.” And that holds no matter where we are and with whom we are trying to communicate.

There are multiple aspects to this definition,

First, the word itself, “Listening”. That is the root of effective communication. And we all know that. When someone conveys a message, the second person listens. What’s important is how effective it was.

Secondly, the definition, talks about the objective of effective listening is to understand what the other person is trying to understand. Keeping our understanding aside and looking at things through their eyes. We can also call it empathy.

And lastly, “not necessarily agreeing to it”, which means you have to remove your bias or prejudices to be on the same page as the one talking. Your person can be different from the person’s perspective and yet both of those perceptions can survive in the world.

Why attentive listening is important?

Were you wondering why you need to develop this skill? The following could be the reason why?

To create Empathy and Understanding

We are humans communicating at our levels. Though we belong to the same race, we are raised in different circumstances and our world is as unique as our perceptions.

And yet, when we communicate, we need to know where the other person is coming from. Hence, an understanding between two individuals, trying to connect is a prime requirement. And it should also be the objective of communication.

Once you have developed a better understanding between you and the other person. A certain kind of empathy would organically develop for each other. And as creatures of complex emotions, developing empathy for each is just the result of effective listening.

To understand the needs.

What does the other person need for me? As social beings, living in a community, we thrive on fulfilling the multiple needs of people who come in contact with us. It is not just about materialistic needs. But sometimes, or more often, it is about emotional and social needs.

Lending an attentive ear has proven more effective than offering solutions to individuals who intend to share their situations or problems. If you listen earnestly, you will know that sometimes, people need an attentive, unbiased ear to say things to.

To negotiate more effectively.

What could be a better result of understanding people’s needs through effective communication? A better negotiation. William Ury, a negotiator by profession in his Ted Talk, shared his experience of a negotiation that he had not been able to conclude during its time of more than a decade. Until Mr. Ury, ultimately let one of the parties vent his feelings.

Once the surface-level communication subsided, it was easier to determine what the parties wanted.

To make people feel Valued.

When was the last time you felt valued by someone? If you remember it clearly, it must be the time when your close one or your friend must have listened to you without any distractions, interruptions, or judgments.

Yes, listening has the power to make someone feel more valued than any other assistance that you can offer. If you don’t believe me, try to be a good listener to someone and see if they remember that moment forever.

To nurture Relationships

They often say that relationships are built on the bridge called effective communication. And, effective communication is only possible if one can listen well.

Quoting Kathleen Mcfarren, from her TED talk again, “Majority of the couples get separated because they lack active listening in their relationships.”

Relationships, after all, are about understanding each other’s needs. And there is no better way to know that than effectively listening to each other.

To be heard.

“I know what you’re talking about.”, “I can understand where you’re coming from.”, “I might have never experienced it but I can understand your pain.” These are some of the most common phrases that a person speaks after they have listened to someone. I am sure you can also be one of those people who would love listening to the words of empathy and understanding.

The best part about listening is that it is contagious. If you are a good listener, you will also earn an ear too.

To comprehend feelings and emotions behind the words.

“To read between the lines.” Do you agree that people say what they mean? Maybe not. But if you think that you can’t comprehend what they mean behind the words that they are saying. It needs a different skill.

And effective listening can help you with that. Sometimes when they are angry, they are in pain. Other times, when they are anxious, they are uncomfortable. You can only understand the true emotions behind said words when you listen attentively.

Also, if you are listening and observing closely, the body language, the eyes, the facial expressions, and the tone of voice are the best snitches. They give away what those words truly mean.

Attentive listening can transform people’s lives.

According to a study published in Harvard Business Review, it has been concluded that people who were paired with people who have good listening skills showed better overall performances, lower levels of social anxiety, higher attitude complexity, and lower attitude extremity.

This result stood true in three different industries namely, corporate workers, tech workers, and teachers.

How do we listen more effectively?

When we are aware of the advantages of active and attentive listening, the following are the different ways through which we can implement that in our lives.

Take a Step Back

When we are listening to a friend or a known person, especially when they could be yelling at us or getting angry at certain things. Try to avoid reacting and try to respond. Take a deep breath and let them vent. But do not act distracted or uninterested in their rant.

Try listening to what they are trying to say and what they mean behind all that noise. You must be aware of the situations when they get hurt, sad, or confused. They must be trying to find a solution. And you can help them with that by listening to them.

Clear your mind. / Remove any bias.

There is always an internal dialogue that is going on in our minds. And sometimes, it is too loud for us to listen to anyone else above that. Even though you might not be distracted by any external factors you might be affected by that internal voice. It is wise to take deep breaths and calm your mind before you start listening to someone else. It might not be easy but it would be worth it.

Similarly, when approached by someone else, we immediately start making judgments about that person. And don’t fret over it. It has been in our DNA since the Stone Age when we had to protect ourselves from harmful beings.

But in the modern world, these biases or preconceived notions can make a huge wall between you and the person you are trying to listen to. Please let go of any biases and then listen to people. Have faith that you can discover more phases of a person apart from what you already know.

Concentrate on the Body Language.

A shaking leg in a meeting could be an indication of nervousness. A flustered face could show embarrassment. Constant eye contact along with a genuine smile can indicate friendliness and positivity. There is so much that you can know and understand if you can read the body language of the people.

You do not have to be an expert in body language to know. A person standing away from you will show, that he is not interested in you and that is a common indication. You can understand only if you observe closely.

You can make this science work to your advantage for you. A good body posture, a genuine smile, a firm handshake, nodding between the conversation, and slight tilts for thought breaks can take the conversation to the next level. You will have the speakers vote before you can stop listening to them.

Re-iterate to give them confidence.

“Is this what you mean?”, “Is this what you were trying to say?” “So, you must have felt happy knowing about it?” These are some sentences that can increase the speaker’s confidence in you. Confirm that you both are on the same page. This can prove that you have been an attentive listener and they can tell you things without any apprehensions.

Please don’t interrupt.

People always speak from a chain of thought. Articulate people often give structure to what they are trying to convey. If anyone interrupts the conversation, that would eventually interrupt their chain of thought.

No matter how hard it is to stop trying to barf your question or phrase. But please don’t interrupt people. And you would immediately earn more respect.

Avoid Distractions.

Phones have always been a distraction when people are trying to communicate. But that is a generic distraction nowadays. This is because people try to communicate with multiple people at one point. Avoid making that mistake. And you would shine in a crowd.

Don’t offer Solutions immediately.

Some people do not seek solutions when they are trying to talk about something else. Sometimes, they want an ear. That is all.

It is not whenever someone tells you that they are sad, you need to come up with words like “Don’t be sad.”. They just wanted to let someone know. And now when those words are out, they feel okay.

In these scenarios, when they are done talking, let them know, “Thank you for sharing”.

Listen to understand better.

There is always a piece of people in what they utter through their mouths. What they are trying to say in the ways they are trying to say. If you can listen closely, you can understand them better. It applied to your partner as well.

Try to read between the lines.

Sometimes they don’t know what they mean or what they are talking about. Confirm if you are confused. Reiteration can help with that.

Ask relevant questions

You can ask relevant questions but only when you listen well. You will never feel shy in asking questions if you listen to what the other person is saying.

The following three steps can help you with that:

3 Questions to listen effectively.

1. What do you think?

Listen carefully to what they think. And know the answer to that question.

2. Why did you think that way?

Know why they thought in the way that they did. It will make the other person feel, that you are genuinely interested in them. It would also lead to deeper conversation.

3. Are you sure this is what you thought?

Try to get the trust of the person by talking about the point that they just mentioned. Or what you think about the subject. It would be the perfect cherry on the cake in your communication.

Listening to yourself is important too.

Your mind going through a thousand questions and statements. Your heart pacing hard to get out of your chest when you find yourself in hard situations.

When you hear a certain something out of someone’s mouth, your jaw and palms clenched immediately. These are certain signs that you do not feel comfortable in a situation and need to take a break. Only by listening to yourself, your body, and your mind, will you be able to communicate well.

It is more important than you think in the modern world, where everyone hurries to outsmart one another.

Also Read: 5 bits of Advice you are better off NOT following.