Panache

“It has been a year now and I still could not remove those words, expressions, that experience out of my head,” said Geeta (name changed on request). Geeta visited her aunt’s house in an extremely vulnerable situation. But as Geeta had turned 25, six months ago. She received derogatory remarks on her personality and life choices from her aunt whom she loved and respected, the most in her family.

The constant pestering of marriage and relying on the husband 5 after marriage is something she has not only been taught but has also observed all around her.

According to her, it is the only way of respectful living for a woman.” Geeta was disappointed by her aunt’s behavior and had to leave as she could not keep up with the constant taunts, judgmental eyes, and disparaging conversations about Geeta.

You could also be surrounded by such toxic people. These people could be a part of your family or your workplace. Some of these could be your friends too. A group that you do not want to be a part of anymore but you are. And it is still hurting you every day.

Some people are good at ignoring these negative remarks and disdained words from others. But for others, it is not that easy. And if you are among the ones who are sensitive to these words. Or have not grown a thick skin yet. It might have a lasting impact on your personality and you won’t even know it.

Toxic People are all around you.

I wish people came with tags on them, thus we would’ve known about them like we know their names. The fact that they are hurtful beings. These toxic people could be your family members, boss, or best friend. Yes, I did not mention the strangers who leave nasty comments on your pictures on Instagram. You may or may not get over it.

I am talking about when you are incapable of getting over a thought or what someone said. These people are the people who are important in your life. They are not only your close ones but people whose words hold meaning for you. And these meanings matter in your life.

Negative or mean comments from these people can put you into self-doubt you start questioning your strengths, achievements, and all the work and effort put into your life.

Impact of Toxic Talk on You!

According to a study done in 2022, it has been observed that negative talk from parents can cast a long shadow over a child’s emotional and psychological well-being. It may lead to low self-confidence, anxiety, depression, and trust issues.

But that is just what the study says. The psychological effect of negative talk or toxic people around you can be much more complex than we can understand.

You might be familiar with the voices inside your head. Having an internal dialogue with yourself all the time is a common phenomenon and people are well aware of it, thanks to the internet.

We are also aware of the concept that we become what we consume, hence we need to be very careful of what we consume and in the ways we consume. But what if we don’t have a choice over what we consume? What if it is just dumped on us?

Derogatory remarks, conversations, and comments are some of the toxic things that we never choose to consume.

And yet they become a part of our life like nothing else. Sometimes, we talk about it for days, months, and years.

But when we keep on consuming these voices, they are a direct commentary about the way we are and about our existence. We can’t shake it off as easily as we want them to be.

Before we know it, a third voice develops inside our head. This third voice is mean and toxic. It’s a bully’s voice. It negates every ray of sunshine in our lives. And if this voice is nurtured by external factors, it becomes so strong that it becomes hard for us to survive. It kills every positive sprout that comes into your head. So, even if you try to do something positive in your life, you get scared and immediately stop.

Identify that bully living in your head!

If your parents, siblings, a teacher, or any person who held a place of influence in your life has been a bully. Or their words seeped deep down in your head that before you do anything that voice stops you. It becomes difficult for you to recognize that voice. You don’t know when that became a part of your existence and when you started leading your life according to that.

Unfortunately, what you can see is you are unable to move forward from your past or do anything worth calling an achievement in your life.

Mel Robbins, a New York Times best-seller author offers a unique solution to confront that voice in your head. She says it is best to give a name to that voice that keeps telling you what to do but not always in your best favor. And as soon as you hear a nasty remark in your head, instantly ask that name to “Shut Up!”.

She adds that the voice in your head will soon lose its value and would not be as powerful to cast any impact on your personality or your mental well-being.

Strategies to guard your thoughts

Recognize your mental and emotional response

When you read a negative or nasty remark or someone says something negative to you. The first step is to realize or feel its impact on your body. Feel where your body hurts the most and how the neurons in your brain immediately start a pattern of fireworks. I am not talking in a positive sense but more in an agitating way.

I know it is the most difficult thing one can expect you to do when in the moment. It is the most difficult thing to follow through after all the rage that appears in the body once you process what you just read or heard.

However, understanding your mental and emotional response would help you navigate and deal with it in a better, more effective way. You would be able to control your thoughts and physiological responses. When you don’t respond the way, they expect you to react, that is half the battle won.

Understand it’s not you! It’s them!

We are logical beings. And we often think that it must be something on our end that might have led them to behave like that. But in these crucial moments, you need to understand that sometimes, it is not you, they are just toxic in their natural behavior and you can’t help them.

The worst part is when the abusive voice gets settled in your brain that you can’t differentiate between your normal internal dialogue and the bully voice. This could be because of narcissistic parenting or verbal bullying during childhood.

You need to differentiate between two voices and understand which one was being planted into your head and which one was yours. It could also be the way you are conditioned to believe about yourself. And you need to reprogram your belief system.

The first step is to understand and refine all the crap that you have been believing and get the best version out of it for you.

Maintain your Distance (Emotionally and Mentally)

In cases, when you are dealing with a bully, a narcissist person, or a verbally abusive person, try to ignore the words they say or the way they behave. To save yourself from further manipulation. Immediately get them out of the closed circle group.

Minimize the interaction with them and make them understand that you are detaching yourself. Distancing yourself from such people just mentally and emotionally, even though it is physically not possible can create a huge relief in your overall personality.

Practice the Grey Rock Method

Abusive people thrive on the chaos and drama that is created by them. Some people can go to the extent of feeling joy as your facial expressions are changed as they hurt you. Others may blurt out nasty comments and won’t care if you feel okay by listening to such remarks. They want to cater to their immediate emotional whim.

In such cases, just distancing yourself mentally and emotionally won’t suffice. You need to practice the Grey Rock Method. The method means to appear non-responsive and non-reactive to what they’re saying or doing. When it comes to interactions with colleagues and bosses, you can’t ignore them. In that situation, give them cold and minimal replies with no eye contact.

Once they feel ignored, you would sooner or later leave them alone. However, make sure that it is a short-term solution.

Your feelings matter

Sounds like the best affirmation quote. Right? It may be. But it is the thing you might need to embody before you seven decide to get rid of those toxic people. And this statement is as much true as your existence.

When you feel bad about someone’s behavior. You are not being sensitive, you are not overthinking, you are not overreacting, you are feeling bad, and that matters. You feeling bad and reacting over a negative feeling threatens your sense of self and thus it matters. If you look down upon yourself, remind yourself of the same and believe in it.

Share with a trusted source

Sharing what you are feeling and talking to someone can be such a great way to get rid of those negative voices inside your head. But make sure that the source that you are talking to or sharing your feelings with is a trusted one.

And most importantly, they must be your ray of sunshine. Like that bully’s voice tells you that you are not good enough. This person must immediately tell you that you are good and complete in all aspects of your life. It would give you an emotional and mental boost even to hear it from a stranger.

So, even if you join a discord, make a collection of all the moments that were positive in your life and recall them at this moment. As soon as you are pulled by the darkness of someone’s negativity, you can shield yourself with some positivity.

Journal them

If you have no one to listen to you at this moment. Write and write until you do not get it out of your head. Also, make sure that you write about every detail of the interaction and how that makes you feel.

You can also immediately write about how wrong they are and how you are not what they think or say. Writing can help you get rid of the burden and voice inside your head. And you will feel much better.

Nurture your Voice. It will make you emotionally strong

Remember, you need to shut that negative voice in your head as it has seeped down because of all the verbal abuse. The other way to get rid of it is to nurture your positive voice. It might be a gradual process but it is very effective.

Once you start nurturing that positive voice in your head. It will become your shelter. As soon as someone says something about you, you know that it is not true and thus you need to stay away from that person. Thus, making you an emotionally strong person.

Also Read: 6 types of toxic people at workplace and how to deal with them.

Also Read: Are you a Yes Person? Learn 5 ways to say “No.”