Panache

Et tu, Brute? Imagine, the shock in Caesar’s conscience, when he saw his beloved friend Brutus among the ones who were stabbing him to death.

It is the reality for many humans in everyday life. From early childhood to adulthood, we often experience a minor experience of betrayal. But sometimes, we experience deep traumatic events of Betrayal in our lives that not only redefine the direction but also change our whole outlook on the world.

If you have ever been hurt by someone you need to read along.

Dr Debi Silber experienced a life-shaking event that led her to study Betrayal and Post Betrayal Syndrome deeply.

This article is written based on the teachings of Dr. Debi Silber. In the end, you will find a link to her website where you can take the quiz regarding Post Betrayal Syndrome or PBS.

Meaning of Betrayal

According to the literature, Betrayal can be defined as, “an act of deliberate disloyalty.” However, words cannot describe what a person goes through when their belief system gets shaken. The reality comes down crumbling in front of their eyes and they start questioning everything around them.

In common language, breaking of trust is known as betrayal. But a lot goes through in that process. It is not only about the second or the third person who broke your trust but also yourself. And that becomes the most difficult thing to overcome.

People generally start questioning their belief system. And it may take some days to years for that trust to rebuild, personality to reform, and trust someone again.

It is a trauma response.

As a result, some people not only lose their sense of reality but also lose their confidence. They feel hesitant to move forward in life or relationships. They would doubt themselves for earning more, making better relationships, and even getting promoted. 

What goes through You during Betrayal?

The moment a person is thrown into a new reality completely different from the reality that they believed in is the very moment that they realize that they have been betrayed.

But that is just a momentary thing. A lot goes on when you process that information mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

But, first, let me explain some of the symptoms that you experience in all of your forms that can be a sign that you are going through Post Betrayal Syndrome.

Mental: Your belief system breaks which means you have to rewire your mental concept according to the new information provided to you and see your place in all of that. It is a mental shock.

Emotional: The emotional effect of betrayal doesn’t need to be mentioned. The scale of emotional shock depends on how strongly your connection was with the old reality. You might still feel hurt thinking about it and not trust anyone anymore. Hence, giving rise to the attribute of “Trust Issues” in your personality.

Physical: Some people experience indigestion, chest pain, and a constant knot in the chest or stomach. If everything is going fine in your life, these could be the symptoms of Post Betrayal Syndrome.

Spiritual: The Spiritual Symptoms is all about your state of being. And that gets affected the most through the process of Betrayal. Have you been questioning yourself lately? Do you feel that you know nothing about what is around you anymore? All of these beliefs could be a sign of Post Betrayal Syndrome.

Dr Debi Silber mentions that there are three steps involved when you realize that you are being betrayed. These steps are as follows:

1. State of Confusion: In the first stage, you are generally confused. You don’t know whether to go on with the information you had, or the new information thrown at you. And it takes some time, to fully absorb the latest information given to you.
2. State of Worthlessness: In the second stage, the human ego takes a huge toll on itself. And it is knowing that you were not aware of the new information that you have now along with the emotional consequences of the same. You feel worthless now.

State of Powerlessness: In the third stage, since you do not have any control over your new reality, you feel powerless now. And that may not be good news for you given the situation when your entire being is in question.

“At an average, people take 18 months to 3 years to recover from a Betrayal Trauma.”

5 Stages of Healing through Post Betrayal Syndrome

Now, you know how deeply a small betrayal can seep into your personality. We need to understand what steps, we need to take to overcome that feeling.

According to Dr Silber, there are 5 different stages of healing from betrayal and that can be explained as follows:

1. Processing the Information

When you realize that you are being betrayed by someone. It could be a lot to take in at one go. Sometimes, you need to understand several aspects about everything that you believed in along with the complexities at which this new information would affect it.

Your first response is to recognize that something is wrong. As you feel that punch in the gut, you go through that mental and physical pain. But you should also take care of your emotional and spiritual well-being.

Mental mapping and distancing yourself from the person is alright. However, do not be ignorant of your emotional health. How your emotions are going to rewire after this? Would you trust someone in a similar situation? Also, take care of your state of being. What is your new status in this new reality? Where do you stand? Who are you?

• You’re Blindsided

Just coming to the terms that there was this parallel reality that you were never even aware of even being so close to it could be a hard pill to swallow. And just understanding that you could not see it the whole time is certainly traumatic.

When the doors open to a new worldview than what you believed in. It is never easy to accept and may take more time than you think. At this point, you need to acknowledge that you don’t trust your betrayer or yourself.

Your response is more likely to be a stress response. Or you do what you feel is right in this emergency while coming to terms with everything.

• The Practical Stage

This is the part when you take action toward surviving your new reality. You would distance yourself from the outer world or you may maintain a healthy distance from your betrayer. You would do anything and everything you feel right to survive the experience but in action.

This is the stage where most people get stuck. They either get comfortable distancing themselves from other people or they take too long sitting in silence (in their comfort zone) away from the world.

• Adjusting to your New Normal

It can take some time. But sooner or later, you have to adjust to your new normal. You would be at peace with your new reality once you are settled into it and not just struggling for survival. You would feel much better. Taking some time doing it can be the healthiest way of coping with Post Betrayal Syndrome.

• Rebirth

This has been a topic of debate among philosophers. With regards to Ship of Theseus. The parts of which were replaced again and again over a long period. Would the vessel remain the same after all of its replacements?

After betrayal, you look into the world with a new perspective. You would be reborn as well. Your approach towards situations and people might change after such a traumatic experience. And it is all up to you, how long will you take to get over it?

Tips to overcome Betrayal

1. Take Control

Life may seem out of hand when you are dealing with betrayal. But as soon as you take the reins of life into your hands, it will be better for you. At the same time, taking as much time as you need to process the information is also a healthy mechanism to cope with the unexpected situation. But you need to make conscience efforts towards healing yourself.

• Rewrite The Narrative

It is not easy to gain faith in yourself after you go through betrayal trauma. You start doubting every decision you have ever made in your life. Every dimension in life seems untrustworthy.

However, this is the moment when you need to shift your focus from what you have lost to what you have gained if your life’s narrative has become now that you have trust issues and might not be able to make deeper relationships.

Change that narrative and rewrite a new perspective. Go into the deeper root of the problem. For example, you cannot know or understand all aspects of a person and that is fine. With this new perspective, you would feel much lighter than before.

• Go Through the Tough Transformation

It is always ideal to introduce changes into your life, perspective, personality, and lifestyle when you’re either aiming for it or desire it. But when an unforeseeable factor causes the same changes which are mostly imposed into your life. It is much harder to practice them.

But transformation it is and you have to take the bitter medicine. You cannot see life from the same lens that you had before you had that experience. So, all you need to do is to build a better and brighter outlook towards life and move on.

• It is not about you.

Betrayals are mostly never about the person who sits through them. And yet their ego takes the most blame. So, it is important to keep your hurt ego aside for a second and understand it was all about the objectives and basic behavior of the person and not you. Stop blaming yourself for what you have gone through and start being more kind to yourself.

“You cannot control someone’s behavior but you also do not need to live with the burden of someone else’s behavior.”

• Forgiveness

If you think building yourself after a traumatic experience is hard. The hardest part is going through the first step and that is forgiveness. Once you let the person, the feelings, the pain, and the other person go, the next steps of the healing journey become easier at every step.

• Find your healing somewhere else.

If you think that you can heal at the same place where you have been hurt. It is not possible. You need to create your new sanctuary where you can have time to get over the hurt and the pain.

Do not mistake their acknowledgment of their deeds as a new place for survival. After all, you are responsible for your healing.

• Only you can define yourself.

Your identity need not be stuck in someone who got betrayed. If you want to move away from that place and leave the past behind, you have the power to do that.

After all, only you can define yourself and not anyone else. A simple event in your life cannot define your entire life. Your existence and your identity are what you do instead of what someone has done to you.

Debi Silber runs an institute called The Post Betrayal Transformation Institute. Where she helps people recover from Post Betrayal Syndrome and lead a new life.

You can reach her at thepbtinstitute.com. Do not forget to take the quiz to know how you can start your recovery journey. It’s FREE!  

Also Read: How to Re-parent yourself to heal your inner child?

Also Read: How to support a friend Struggling with Mental Illness?