Panache

“No” is a sentence in itself. It does not require an explanation or a justification. But as humans, we barely understand the meaning of it. The reason can vary from person to person but we often find ourselves saying yes to the things we wanted to say no to.

And it always goes like that. You are in the middle of the task you didn’t want to do in the first place dreading and cursing yourself. And yet, you realize whoever asked you to do that, you can’t say No to them. And this sudden enlightenment hits your head that you can’t do it in any circumstances.

Why can’t you say No?

It is not just your incapacity of saying No. Sometimes, the reason for that is deeply rooted in you and you are unaware of it. Following could be some of those deep-rooted reasons you cannot say “No” to people.

People Pleasing

Sometimes you want to please people around you so desperately that you just can’t say No to them. It is rooted in childhood trauma or abuse. That trauma results in the habit of adulthood in that you fall into this vicious cycle of meeting everyone’s needs. And considering everyone a priority accept yourself.

Being a people pleaser come across as one of the weakest attributes of a personality. And no matter how much you try to please people, it could take you a lifetime to understand that you can never win this endless cycle.

Gaslighting

Your inner voice might say that you don’t want to do it. But someone made you believe in doing that thing. You feel happy doing it but only on the outside. On the inside, it kills you to say yes to the thing you wanted to say no to.

If that has been the case with you, then there are chances that you are being gaslighted, just like in the case of Rapunzel. Mother Gothel gaslighted Rapunzel into believing that she cannot go outside because the world is a dangerous place. Hence, the fear of the world In Rapunzel’s heart was the result of gaslighting and not real.

Passive Manipulation

Manipulation happens in different ways. Gaslighting is also a sort of manipulation. But sometimes, it is not about someone’s fault or conscious efforts to manipulate you. It is more complex than simply imposing a will over yourself.

For example, following your boss’s orders or someone higher in the hierarchy than you would be mandatory for you. And you can’t just say no to that. No matter how much you want to. And gradually, you become their yes person and a victim of Passive Manipulation.

Trying being Nice

Craving for more validation from everyone around us is a common trait among humans. We remain in constant anticipation that someone, someday would see our efforts and would give us credit for that. It is another toxic cycle that humans fall into in the modern world.

In our everyday lives, we say yes to things even though doing them would just be like killing our souls. So, that our status of staying nice and the validation of people considering us nice remains upheld without any harm.

Scared of the Judgement

You might not care about it in your regular life. But in work, you are extremely scared of judgement. Because in most cases, it can heavily affect your promotion or appraisal. What if the management says that you are not cooperative enough?

What if they say that you don’t take enough initiative at work? Thus, to escape from such kind of judgements you run yourself into a pile of Yeses that not only affects your mental health but your physical health as well.

5 practices to teach you how to say No?

There are practices that you can imbibe in your life and personality. Through this, you can save yourself from constantly being walked over and social trauma. Some of these practices are:

1. Decide if it aligns with you and you believe in it.

One of the biggest mistakes that people make is they answer without thinking. Soon, it becomes a habit and, in most cases, it becomes almost a trigger response. As soon as someone asks something of them, they immediately answer Yes.

Instead, what they must practice is to give it a thought. Think whether you want to do it or not. Or whether saying it or doing it aligns with you or not. It would trigger your critical brain into making a decision and you will most likely save yourself from all the dread that you feel doing a task unwillingly.

2. Trust you are Good on your own.

I had read that to win someone’s favor, you need to do something for them. If you will prove yourself as a useful person or please them, they will help you when you would need them. However, rationally, they never signed a deal to do that.

Sometimes, saying No to someone in a powerful position needs a lot of courage. In some cases, you might lose the favor of that person. In these times, your confidence and self-esteem will help you. Believe in yourself that you are good enough to sail your boat in both good and bad times. Your ability to make decisions and take your stand would help you in earning respect from people around you.

Always remember, though, that a bird trusts a branch and sits on it but if the branch breaks, a bird’s real faith always remains in its wings.

3. A No is a No.

We often lag at creating boundaries at all. As humans, we tend to rely on each other for several needs. However, we need to think about ourselves before anyone else. It needs to be understood that creating healthy boundaries would only increase your respect in people’s eyes instead of them hating you for that.

Another thing, that we need to cultivate as humans is to say no assertively. And that can only happen once we realize the reason why we are saying no. Only then can we imply it affirmatively.

You need to know that it is a skill that can be developed. Start saying no and give a fair reason behind your answer. That could be a hard part. Once you are done with it, all you need to do is to stand by your answer.

4. Offer Alternatives

A no may come across as an unwillingness to help and that can create tension among two people. If you are ever stuck in a situation where your denial can cause a misunderstanding. You can always come up with an alternative to help the other person.

Suggest someone else who can help them. Or let them know if meeting halfway from their request and your work condition can work with them. This method can clear any misunderstanding and would assert your willingness to help.

5. Just Do it

Some situations cannot be handled by any of the above methods. If we talk about the real world, people would impose their duties on you and would manipulate you into saying yes. And they would not even be considerate about your willingness into it.

And that is when you need to learn to take your stand. You need to prioritize yourself and your will. It is hard but with a little practice, you can do it.

Let me know do you also face difficulty in saying No and which one of the above methods are you going to practice the most.