Panache

According to a poll done in 2022, in America, 59% of people out of 1000 people accepted that they overextend themselves to appear kinder and to seek the approval of people around them.

It is not bad until it does not hinder your priorities, boundaries, health, wealth, and peace. However, once you start people-pleasing you practice it in all dynamics of life and tend to over-stretch yourself.

Below are some practical tips to overcome this habit gradually.

Create clear boundaries for yourself.

One of the toughest and most effective things to practice in any relationship is the creation of clear boundaries. Boundaries are not required and are not even thought about when people have consideration and care for you.

However, there is a thin line when people start invading your time, space, and energy. Sometimes, they are not aware that they are doing the same. And there are times when you hesitate to remind them that a boundary has been crossed.

Keeping stringent on your boundaries may seem like rude behavior in any relationship. But it is also about giving space and understanding the needs of your person.

It is also about how much they know and understand you. They should take care that you need a certain time or space to heal or to process certain things. Creating and respecting boundaries can lead to long-lasting relationships and better understanding.

Don’t gloss over things.

Have you been covering the tracks of your partner lately? Do you think their behavior is a temporary inconvenience and it will be better before you realize it? These are big signs that you are sabotaging yourself into staying or questioning your partner.

You tend to gloss over things because you are scared of conflict. So, you look away and let the things be. However, sweeping things under the rug over a period can lead to bitter consequences.

Considering that glossing over things can only lead to delayed reactions. But you have to pay a hefty price for that. You feel stressed about it. But you choose not to address it since it can destroy your peace.

However, clear communication and seeing things as they are is the best way to address any problem in a relationship.

Take a Step back.

One thing about being a people-pleaser in a relationship is you don’t even realize when you start doing it. But once you realize it you need to take action immediately. You need to take a step and examine the dynamic between yourself and the person.

If you stop giving into the relationship and they have a strong reaction about it. You need to communicate the same and start prioritizing your needs.

In some cases, your partner may shame you into thinking that you are not kind enough or you have changed. But try and understand, that a healthy relationship is only built when both people in a relationship put in enough effort and time into it.

There is no harm in stepping back and seeing if that changes how the relationship goes after that. It can bring much clarity. And you will also set clear expectations as to how much you need from your partner.

Learn to say No.

Are you a yes person? No matter what they ask you to do and how they ask you to be, you always say yes. Often because you don’t have a clear explanation to deny it or you don’t want any conflict to arise on what you think is a small thing.

But understand that No is a complete sentence in itself. It does not require any justification or clarification of any kind. The fact that you don’t want to do something is enough for the other person to understand your will.

You also need to remember that saying No is not a personal attack but a means to self-care. It means that you are prioritizing your will and yourself before anyone else. And it is okay to practice that in your daily life.

Create a healthy Space.

No matter what relationship you have, every individual needs to have a space in it. You can be an introvert who needs a lot of alone time. But your partner can be a clingy partner at times. Hence, it is important to maintain a healthy space in the relationship so you both can thrive.

Relationships can get suffocating if one keeps on catering to someone else’s emotional and social needs without being considerate of their own healing space and alone time.

Dr Seema Anand says that it is ideal for couples to pursue their hobbies separately with their friend groups and then spend some time together. Your personal growth should not stop once you get into a relationship.

Don’t be afraid of rejection.

When you like someone, you also want them to like you. You want them to like every aspect of you. And thus, you allow them to walk over you. You don’t even realize when they cross the boundaries and you can’t do anything about it. All because you are scared that they will reject you.

But, once you realize that it is an unhealthy coping mechanism to avoid conflict, you need to address things clearly and respectfully. You need to win over your fear of rejection to build a sustainable relationship.

You need to validate your feelings. And not take things personally even if rejection comes your way. Broaden your perspective and see how things become long-term so that you can make a good decision for your relationship and yourself.

Practice Clear Conversation.

It is highly important to communicate clearly in any relationship. But comprehension is equally important. Instead of over-stepping someone’s boundaries, it is ideal to know what someone expects out of you when you are in a relationship with each other.

When there is a communication gap in a relationship, some ideas or conversations keep hanging in the air, that do not serve anything to it. Pleasers tend to overdo things but they also expect gratitude and appreciation for it.

But things quickly get sour if they do not get anything similar to those. And that is when a healthy relationship takes a toxic turn. Therefore, communicating a clear set of expectations is very necessary.

Avoid seeking approval.

Psychologists think people-pleasing behavior is ingrained due to the family dynamics during childhood. That is when they learn what they have to do to avoid conflict, to avoid drastic reactions, and dramatic changes, and seek approval.

One of the most notable signs that you seek approval from people around you is you say “sorry” a lot. Other signs may include worrying about others’ opinions about you, making decisions to please others, and prioritizing others’ opinions more than yours.

Once you note this pattern about you, you need to learn to stop this immediately. To get the approval, you tend to ignore your needs and that eventually takes a heavy toll on you. You end up with a dissatisfied life as you did everyone’s wishes instead of living on your terms.

Avoid giving in too quickly.

One of the things that people-pleasers struggle with is the first thing that comes out of their mouth is “yes”. They naturally tend to bend backward for people. And don’t realize doing it until it is too late. And by then, they have lost a significant amount of time and energy.

You can always re-negotiate things. Learn some phrases and sentences that you can say when something is asked out of you. Present a sort of alternative where you both can benefit. Make it a combined task or activity.

It is hard to re-wire yourself and get out of the people-pleasing habit. But with firm determination and constant practice, you too can start prioritizing yourself without guilt or shame.

It is okay to be the odd one out.

Another pattern seen in people-pleasing behavior is that people are scared to be the odd one out. You want to walk on the path laid out for you by someone else. That someone else could be your partner.

You keep telling yourself that all relationship dynamics are the same. But deep down you know that it is not true. Understand, that it is fine to walk your own path and make your own rules in the kind of relationship that you want.

Your relationship goals do not need to be like everyone else’s on the internet, your friends, or what your partner describes them to be. It should also have your say in it. And if you do not intend to walk on the same path, it is okay.

Communicate the same to your partner, re-negotiate, and come to a healthy conclusion and space. A space where you do not have to overextend yourself and compromise your needs to fulfill someone else’s desires.

Conclusion

People Pleasing is not something that you can snap out of. But with a gradual understanding of yourself, setting clear boundaries, prioritizing yourself, and communicating your needs clearly can help you achieve some success to a certain extent and that can help save so much energy for yourself.

People around you may take some time to adjust to the new you. But when you will explain that you need to prioritize yourself to meet your emotional, mental, and physical needs. They will understand that.