Panache

You promise your partner moons and stars when you get into a relationship with them. And to a certain extent, you keep those promises.

But what if you are the only one keeping your promises and your partner does not reciprocate or appreciate your time and effort? If that is the case, you probably are a people-pleaser in the relationship.

Read the signs below and see if you are a people-pleaser in the relationship.

You put them on a pedestal.

Have you ever seen a relationship where the partner puts their partner on a pedestal? Everyone calls them “couple goals” over the internet. They gush over how he prays the land she walks on. But it can be counted only if they have a healthy relationship.

One partner might make a grand gesture in public, but the other partner must acknowledge and appreciate it. May be not public but at least in private. This can prove to be a healthy relationship altogether.

However, that is not always the case. Sometimes, one partner prioritizes another’s needs and desires more than their own. And that becomes a problem later when they keep pouring from an empty can.

These relationships start rosy and secure but are not sustainable. Considering past experiences and traumas, a people-pleaser will feel the need to do that. But eventually, it will be exhausting for you.

You can’t be your true self with them.

When you like someone, you also want them to like you. It is a principle because we need validation from the person who is either special to us or matters to us significantly. You will want to imbibe every trait, personality, and quality they might prefer in their partners.

Initially, you become the best version of yourself for them. But like any human, you have your flaws or a dark side. But now, you are scared that if you show that side, they might leave you or feel betrayed. So, you keep up the act. And hide a face of yours.

Some may call it manipulation. But if you feel the need to hide your true self from your partner so that you can maintain a relationship, it might be categorized as people-pleasing behavior.

Your partner should know you like the back of their hand. They should know everything about you and you must feel comfortable with them. If you can’t be like yourself with them, it cannot be good for your relationship.

Also read: How to identify toxic friendships?

You don’t have a say in the relationship.

Your partner makes all the decisions about your relationship. Sometimes, about you too. The venue of the date, the time of the date, and the kind of date it would be are all decided by your partner and you do not have the option to put your idea on the table.

You are just getting by in the relationship, as you are heavily dependent on your partner. The moment you say something, either you are talked over or proven to be less competent or not good at that department to make that decision.

These are fairly big signs that you are a people-pleaser in the relationship. You are just a participant and the relationship is going until you don’t say anything. You fear that you may not get a preferable reaction the moment you make any decision for yourself while being in the partnership.

Also read: 6 types of toxic people at workplace and how to deal with them.

You always say “Sorry”.

There is no way, both partners can apologize in equal amounts while being in a relationship. Some admit their mistakes while other points them out. But, if the scales of apology weigh heavier on one side and are dependent on the constant fear that it may break, then maybe it is not a healthy approach.

Sometimes, a partner says sorry so that they can move on in the conversation. But if you are the only one saving the relationship and making sure that the conversation doesn’t turn into arguments by saying sorry, maybe you are catering to them.

One apology can change the route of the conversation and relationship. But you need to know that a healthy relationship is a partnership. And you do not need to be apologetic all the time.

You cater to their ego/emotional needs.

A big sign that you are a people-pleaser is that you cater to your partner’s ego or their emotional needs all the time. While your emotional needs remain unmet. It is always you who knows what they want and what they don’t want emotionally.

And you act accordingly. Thinking one day they will acknowledge and reciprocate but that is not the case. And this is where a relationship becomes a one-sided relationship.

One of the main traits of people-pleasers is they deny self-care. Your partner needs to understand this tendency of yours and take care of your emotional needs nevertheless. It’s essential for the relationship.

You don’t feel emotionally fulfilled.

Continuing from the previous point, if your emotional needs are not met in your relationship while you keep catering to the emotional needs of your partner, that; ‘s another big sign that you are a people-pleaser.

This behavior comes into the category of reluctant pleaser. These pleasers keep taking care of others’ needs while they are taken advantage of continuously.

Again, it can be because their emotional needs have never been met or they were raised under a narcissistic guardian. But they feel a hole in their relationships.

Even after being with such a partner for a long time, your relationship does not feel fulfilling and complete. It might seek whole on the surface but that is not true.

Also read: 10 ways to fulfill your emotional needs.

You are always walking on eggshells.

Do you always overthink, how will your partner react? Are you always scared of your partner’s motives? And yet when you meet them, you are most likely to over-share your feelings with them and later regret it.

If you are walking on eggshells all the time while being in a relationship, there are probably signs that it is not a healthy partnership. You always say and do what they want you to say and do.

In this way, either they would emotionally manipulate you or will take advantage of you in other ways. This is not healthy for you as well. Considering, you will always second-guess and doubt yourself. That will lower your confidence and self-esteem eventually.

You have no boundaries.

Even if you are in a relationship, every person needs their space so that they can grow and thrive. Understand, that every person is unique. But they come together and form a relationship because their monsters sit together peacefully.

But that does not mean that you compromise who you truly are. If you can’t maintain your individuality and uniqueness in the relationship, and your emotional, mental, and physical boundaries are always crossed without your consent, it is a red flag.

It can come across in the form of being judgmental about you, planting their thoughts in your head, and physically crossing boundaries without consent. You may not stop it because you want your partner to stay with you but having no boundaries is not sustainable for relationships.

Also read: 10 instant signs you do not have healthy boundaries.

Also read: 10 effective ways to maintain healthy boundaries.

You crave validation from them.

Many people-pleasers are dependent on external factors for validation. It not only fulfills their emotional needs but it caters to their egos as well. And in the case of relationships, if you completely depend on your partner for validation, you are susceptible to emotional manipulation.

One common trait to receive validation from your partner is the more you will get it, the more you will crave it. It becomes a never-ending toxic cycle. In this way, you are bound to be taken advantage of. It is neither healthy for you nor for your relationship.

And if you decide to go your separate ways into the future. Your needs will not be met and it might devastate you. It will hurt your self-image and mental well-being.

Also read: 9 ways to avoid saviour complex.

Your relationship is one-sided.

Have you ever felt that you are the only one in the relationship? And your partner seems to come in and out of it as they desire? You give time and effort but your partner barely recognizes you as their partner or the relationship between you.

There might be changes that you are pouring your love into a broken vase. And your relationship is too one-sided. You do it because you crave that love and recognition from them but you don’t get it.

It is again a sign that you are being a people-pleaser in the relationship. A major disadvantage of being in such kind of relationship is you try to cater to the wrong person for so long that when you finally get a person who recognizes your efforts, you become an empty cup with nothing to give.

Conclusion

If your person does not reciprocate the love, warmth, effort, time, and energy then you need to question whether you want to remain in a relationship with such type of person or not.

A healthy partnership is the one where you can talk about things. Share your feelings and emotions honestly so they can better comprehend them and you can understand each other.

But if that is not the case, you end up being emotionally manipulated and burnt out. You doubt yourself and your value as a partner which is not healthy for your personality.

Also read: 10 subtle signs you are being a people-pleaser at work.

Also read: How to stop being a people-pleaser in a relationship?

Also read: How to stop being a people-pleaser at work?