Panache

Did you know one in four humans suffer from Self-hatred? All humans suffer from self-hatred at least once in their lives. It is the little voice inside your head that keeps telling you that you do not deserve to be happy. And everyone in the world is better than you.

It is okay to have those thoughts once in a while. However, if they start hindering your productivity and personality, it is not a healthy way of living. It can severely affect your emotional, mental, and physical well-being.

Below are some steps to understand and overcome self-hatred.

To recognize that it is not your fault.

The first step is to understand that the self-hatred or feelings of worthlessness you are feeling today are not your fault. It could be the result of your upbringing or your surroundings. You were not inherently born with these thoughts and this mindset.

It could be a narcissistic parent. A toxic environment that you struggled to survive. Maybe your upbringing was healthy, but your current partner or friend group makes you feel that way. You may also feel pressure of not meeting your own expectations.

But no matter the reason, self-hatred is not the solution to any problem. Yet, it is a big issue in itself. You need to understand that you are not responsible for feeling this way. You need to learn to segregate your negative thoughts that perpetuate self-hatred from yourself. You can learn further how to do the same.

Journal about positive thoughts about yourself and negative thoughts. – Which ones do you have more of throughout the day?

To separate thoughts about yourself that are negative and self-hating. You need to understand where they stem from. Are they the results of social conditioning or your upbringing?

Try to remember your childhood, and think that you never used to think like that when you were a kid. So, what changed that your mind started experiencing those self-hating thoughts?

At the same time, try to journal about the negative thoughts as well as the positive thoughts that you had about yourself throughout the day. You do not need to remember every single one of them. But record them as correctly as you can. This exercise will help you understand your thought process as well as yourself effectively.

Also, compare which days you have more negative thoughts vs. the positive ones. Is there something that triggered those negative thoughts? Did you watch a reel on those lines? Or is the presence of someone made your thoughts push towards that? Is there a certain memory from your childhood that makes you think that way? Or does this negative thinking become a part of your inherent nature?

Also Read: How to approach journaling as a newbie?

Record the things you are proud of.

Once you know the root of your self-hatred, you have already recognized the problem. Now, all you need to do is to work on them accordingly. You need to increase the frequency of your positive thoughts to that of negative and self-hating thoughts.

Journaling can help you with this. Record the movements from your everyday life, like when you felt sorry for someone in a sad position. That shows you have empathy and can make you a good person. Write about the last time you helped a person or fed a street cat.

Mention how a certain step you took of not littering the streets or sharing food with a homeless person created a difference in the world. Write about all of the past wins that you had where you proved your capabilities. Challenge yourself to do something and maintain a streak to do that every day.

In this way, both your positive thoughts and positive deeds would keep on increasing in your journal. At the same time, do not forget to note down every negative thought that your mind comes across. Make sure you note it down and get it out of your system. Then, weigh it and apply some logic to it.

Why would you feel this negatively? What made you think in this manner? And is there any logic in that while you are a good person and you have been doing great deeds?  

Also read: How to do gratitude journaling the right way?

Don’t take things personally.

One of the biggest challenges that one faces while getting rid of negative thinking about oneself is that they are prone to criticism or negative comments. You may share your opinion about something and overthink it later that you should not have said things in this manner or not shared so much.

In this way, you are self-criticizing yourself, and it is not healthy for your mental well-being. Therefore, it is ideal not to take things so personally. Someone’s opinion of you could be a reflection of how they see you. But that does not make you responsible for those thoughts. Nor does their opinion define the real you in any capacity.

When you are minimizing self-hatred, you need to practice some firm boundaries as well. You need to practice not taking things too personally. You can think critically about their opinions of you and tell yourself that they do not know you the way you know yourself.

How to learn to let go?

You have a right to exist.

When you are on your journey to not hating yourself, you need to remind yourself again and again that you have the right to exist. Just like any other being on this planet, you deserve to exist and live your life in the best possible way.

If this affirmation is not enough, you can use other affirmations like, “I am precious.”, “I am worthy.”, “I create a difference in the world.”, “I deserve to live a beautiful life.”, “I am capable of making a beautiful life.”, “I love my life,”, I am grateful for my life.”, “I love the things this life has given me.”

Affirmations have the power to change your perspective, and they are helpful in reminding you that no matter what happens, you matter. Consider these affirmations as your mantra that will help you in making a difference in your thought process.

You cannot be the result of what people did to you.

One of the affirmations that you need to practice that I didn’t mention above is “I can let people define me.”, “I won’t let other people project their negative feelings on me.” Though these affirmations can help you. You also need to understand that self-hatred is a learned behavior.

As mentioned above, your self-hating thoughts could be a product of your parents or toxic surroundings. To cope with that effectively, you need to understand that your current personality or the future cannot be defined or affected by the negative feelings or actions of the people towards you.

This is the hardest task to follow as these could be the people you think are closest to you. The opinions of these people matter to you the most. Hence, you needed their approval too. But if their opinions, thoughts, or actions do not align with your values, personality, or plans, you need not concur.

You are more than capable of building yourself, defining yourself, and proving yourself.

Separate your opinion from the acquired opinion.

Most of the time, when you are indulging in self-hatred, it is a spiral of dark thoughts. Something triggers that anxiety in you, and you start thinking about one thing, which leads to another darker thought, and the chain goes on and on until you conclude that you are not worthy of anything good in your life.

In this roller coaster ride, you barely have any control over your thought process. Hence, you need to learn to take a break when you are going down that path. You start picking every thought and saying to yourself Is it me thinking or is it a projection of someone else on me? Is it my own thought, or have I acquired it from someone else’s opinion of me?

Learn how you actually feel about yourself instead of what someone told you about you. A behavior you learned because someone didn’t validate your feelings. Or you could not meet someone’s expectations. Try to isolate your own opinion about yourself. Stop seeing yourself from their eyes and try to see yourself from your eyes.

Also read: How to deal with your inner bully?

De-condition yourself.

Once you know those negative thoughts and negative feelings about yourself are not actually yours. You will feel the need to de-condition yourself. You need to quiet down the acquired voices in your head. And it can only be done once you can separate them.

This can be the hardest task. But with much discipline and some practice, you can do that. You can take the help of journaling or affirmations, as you mentioned above. Or you can stop the thoughts from spiraling down the rabbit hole by constantly hitting them with logical questions.

For example, Next time your mind goes, “I am a stupid piece of shit who is capable of doing nothing.” Counter this statement by saying, “Says who?” “My friend thinks like that, and so do my parents.” Counter that with, “And what do they know about me?” “Do they know about how many people I have helped?”, “Do they know I can create a difference in this community?” “They don’t.”

Find a purpose and meaning in your life.  

No one is ever born with a better understanding of their life. Everyone is trying their best to survive through each day, trying to make meaning and purpose out of the past days. Hence, it is not ideal to hate yourself before giving yourself a chance to find deeper meaning and purpose in your existence.

In this quest, you may try a million things and see what resonates with you. But this is something that you owe to yourself. You never get a life; you always build a life for yourself. You need to work on it holistically. And you can only do that when you know your own thought process rather than walk on what others think of you.

Once you realize this, you will feel a responsibility towards yourself to build a life of your own. Then, only you can define how to live and move forward.

Also read: How to live an interesting life?

Practice Self Care and Self Love.

Conquering self-hatred is not an easy process. It has its ups and downs. Everyone in the world goes through it at least once in their lives. Therefore, you need self-care and self-love to keep the toxic touch of self-hatred away.

You can start from small. Do little deeds that make your heart happy. You can celebrate your small wins even though no one celebrates them with you. You can romanticize your life. Since you have built the life you wanted, you can live it to the fullest.

As you have worked so hard for that, you deserve some love for yourself. Hence, it is essential to practice some self-love habits.

Also read: 7 types of rest that lead to complete wellness.

Also read: 10 Underrated Ways of Self-Care.

Conclusion

When trying to overcome Self-hatred, the objective is to create a strong self-understanding that cannot be broken by external factors or other people’s rejection, words, or thoughts. Becoming so sure of yourself that none of the external factors affect you.

It is not an easy process if you have been having negative thoughts for quite some time or if self-hating thoughts came from people who mattered to you. But with much practice and determination, you can get over it.