Panache

Friends are closest to us after family. They are family beyond the ties of blood. But only a few friendships pass the test of time. Maybe that is one of the reasons most people deal with loneliness.

Some people may rush into friendships only to figure out later that they were not good. If you are also feeling so lately, read the points below and see if your friendly ties check any of these boxes. Let us know if you have any experiences with toxic friendships, and how did you figure it out?

Also Read: 6 types of toxic people at work place and how to deal with them.

They gossip about others.

One of the biggest signs of any friendship is how you choose to spend your time. Do you make plans with yourself? How much time do you spend with each other? And what do you do during that time?

Answer these questions honestly and you will know if your friendship is flourishing or is approaching doomsday. One of the signs is what you choose to talk about with your friend. Your choice of topic can range from personal to sharing celebrity gossip.

However, if your friend mostly gossips about other people. It is a big red flag. Even though, you bring your own individuality to any relationship including friendship. Gossiping about others is a waste of time. And if it is pure gossip about other girls, it is definitely toxic.

Also, if they are gossiping with you about others. There is a high chance that they will be gossiping with others about you too. So, take that lesson and move on.

Verbally abuse you.

Abuse is often highlighted when it is physical. However, passive abuse also exists in many relationships. It may not harm someone visibly. But it can affect your mental health drastically.

Verbal abuse in friendship can take many forms. But if you feel humiliated, blamed, or insignificant around them. You should not ignore such behaviour for long.

It may come across as being belittled by your friend. Sometimes, their judgment and criticism about you is so harsh that you are taken aback. You will see more signs of similar abuse in friendship below. But make a note that your friendship is not healthy if it involves verbal abuse.

Look down on you.

Has your friend started to look down on you? According to an article published in Psychology Today written by Kathy McCoy, she writes about her friendship with a girl named Linda. She explained how her friends’ behavior changed when she got cast in a big television show.

She even asked Kathy to be her personal assistant and looked down on the type of apartment she was living in at the moment. Eventually, they became strangers and decided to go their separate ways in their lives. But it did not heal the hurt Kathy endured when her best friend looked down on her.

Thankfully, she took the signs and walked away before she could have gotten more hurt. She heard about other things that Linda said to other friends about her but she ignored them. She chose to make healthy relationships after letting go of the toxic ones.

The butt of the joke.

I have been observing for some time that friends tend to outsmart each other in group conversations. They are not sharing information or trying to strike up a healthy conversation anymore. Instead, they are trying to prove themselves with the best prowess and a person with the utmost intelligence.

Some attention-seeking members of the group often want to make their friends laugh. Though they are the life of the group. These laughter and jokes often come at the cost of someone. And that is when a healthy interaction becomes toxic. Most importantly, it becomes toxic for you when you are the butt of the joke.

If your friend constantly sacrifices your presence, your personality, your looks, or worse, your secrets by making it a joke to tell everyone. Do yourself a favor and walk away from the friendship right at that moment. The more time you invest in it, the more harm it will cause you.

Sheer Criticism

When you need an honest opinion on something, you rush to the friend who is closest to you. They won’t lie to you or sugarcoat things. Instead, they will offer you constructive criticism so you can improve your life.

However, toxic friendships do not have that kind of space or honesty. A toxic friend will criticize you to manipulate you or out of sheer jealousy. They will never want you to improve. So, even if you ask them their opinion of you. Their words may barely be honest.

One of the best signs to know if they are sharing constructive criticism or just criticism is to ask them the reason behind it. If they can share an incident, their experience, or an anecdote from your experiences. Their criticism might be true but if that is not the case. Maybe, you need to think about your friendship.

You are to blame; always.

Who is to blame if something bad happens in the friendship? That is a big question to answer if you want to know whether your friendship is toxic. Sometimes, your friend does not want to take the blame but they don’t want to lose you either.

So, they blame you almost every time but to keep you around by sugarcoating things. For example, they would say that they understand why you did it and will come up with some reason that never existed in the first place.

This habit will give rise to a couple of toxic things in you. Firstly, you will be manipulated by your friend who is blaming you. Secondly, you will live with the guilt that if something bad happens in the relationship, it will be because of you. And that guilt will weigh down your energy.

No empathy for you.

One of the basic necessities to have someone as your friend is their listening skill. Are they attentive to you when you try to tell them something? Do they assure you or be with you when you need them the most? The answer to these questions can be simple.

However, things cannot be as easy as it seems. Nowadays, more people are feeling alone in the crowd. Even when they are sitting with their closest friends and family, they feel alone and left out. Because people don’t even lend their ears anymore.

Most of their attention is busy with technological devices. Even when devices are not at fault. Some people do not know how to empathize with you. They may not understand you but they should offer some kind of emotional support. If that is missing from your friendship, you might want to re-evaluate things.

No individuality left.

Who were you before you were friends with them? Remember how Janis Ian in Mean Girls mocks Cady that she is not pretending to be a plastic anymore? She has become one of them. If you have watched the movie, you might have watched the dramatic shift in Cady after she becomes friends with the rest of the gang.

That was a huge red flag that Cady could not understand. Friendship in life brings community, support, and understanding to each other. It is there to improve you. Not to change you from who you are to someone you are not.

If your friendship has been costing you your individuality, you might want to think it over. Your friends must like you the way you are. And if you change you need to change for yourself not because your friends have influenced you to change for them.

You are a tool.

What role do you play in your friend’s life? What role do they play in your life? Answer these questions and you may reach a step closer to knowing if your friendship is toxic or not.

If you are a stepping stone to something or someone, or you act as a tool for them to achieve something, then it may be a big, neon sign that your friendship is toxic. If you feel like you are being used in one way or more, you need to straighten your priorities.

A feeling of competition.

Healthy competition among friends could be a natural driving force. But if the competition among friends becomes toxic, the friendship is fated to be broken. But before you see your friend turn bitter because you won.

You may see subtle signs that she has this feeling of competition with you. You need to be on the lookout for these signs and make sure that you talk to your friends about them.

Discuss and know what she actually feels about the same. Once you discuss things, you may iron out the relationship. But if things are beyond repairs, it will do more harm than good. And you may have to let the person go.

Conclusion

One of the best skills that you can acquire right now is to identify toxic individuals. In a world with multiple perspectives and social media avatars, it is hard to know who are your true friends.

May the points above help you in making stronger relationships and bring you closer to a true bond of friendship.

Also Read: 8 ways to protect yourself from the toxicity around you.